Can we Communicate Compassionately?

One of the churches I serve, Coburg United Methodist Church, is richly blessed to have as part of our fellowship, two recently retired missionaries from Bethlehem, Palestine, Alex and Brenda Awad. Alex was born and raised in Jerusalem, Israel, and he and Brenda served for many years as missionaries in a school that Alex's brother founded in Bethlehem, Bethlehem Bible College, one of few Christian colleges in the Holy Land. Alex and Brenda have a fascinating, and at time heart-wrenching story to tell about the situation of Palestinians, Arabs, and Christians in this land we call "Holy," but whose actions so often seem not to be so.

Alex shared with me an article he wrote reflecting upon the decision of President Trump to unilaterally declare Jerusalem the capital of Israel. I share it with you so that you can start to understand the broader implications of the president's actions. 

Alex Awad: "Assessing the Damage..."

When I reflect upon the the very difficult conversations, arguments, and outright fights concerning the situation of all the people living in Palestine and Israel, I wonder if there is any way to speak about difficult and divisive issues in a way that that respects the integrity of our own feelings and understanding as well as the feelings and understandings of other people?

This leads me to think about a story of a conversation that Marshall Rosenberg had in Palestine that could have gone very badly, but didn’t:

I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They're whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet.

Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus: “Assassin!” “Child-killer!”  “Murderer!” 

Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel. I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:  

I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? 

He: Damn right I'm angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!  

I: So, you're furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?  

He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that's been like for us?  

I: Sounds like you're feeling very desperate and you're wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions.  

He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?  

I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you'd like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment...  

He: That's right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don't more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you're bringing here!  

I: You'd like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?  

Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn't agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me. Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner. (Marshall Rosenberg, excerpted from Chapter One, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.)

In the fifth chapter of Matthew’s gospel, Jesus states very forcefully, “I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire. So, when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.” 

What he is forcing us to do is to take a good look at how it is that we interact with the people we meet on the street, with other members of the church, or with members of our own family.  I suppose that at some level this also applies to how we relate to and treat ourselves as well.
  
This requires a keen awareness of how things are between us and everyone else. But we aren’t always aware of how our words affect others, or how we are affected by what other people say to us. It requires training and practice to be able to be self-aware of our internal feelings and their external expressions, and to speak in ways that are not only true to what is alive within us, but also respect and honor what s alive within the person to whom we are speaking, particularly if there is conflict or crisis involved.

The Staff-Parish Relations Committee of Junction City UMC is sponsoring two linked training events in Compassionate Communication, February 3rd and March 3rd, utilizing the techniques and practices developed by Marshall Rosenberg. We have secured the services of Gary Baran, a nationally-recognized leader in Compassionate Communication to lead these trainings. These trainings will be available to the servant leaders of our church, but they are also available to anyone who would like to move to the next level of loving and compassionate communication. Please contact me for more information, and to sign up for these trainings. The workshops are limited to 20 people.

Looking forward to many meaningful, compassionate, and enjoyable conversations with all of you this year,

Craig